I am a few days behind. I got very sick and had some deaths in my family. Trying to get back on track.
The things that have been going on in my life have been quite a reality check. I’m a big preacher of of acceptance of all people. I am guilty of not being able to do that very thing. My father just died. I had very mixed emotions about that. He was a good man to many but not his family. To some of us, he was little more than a destructive, hateful monster. I repeatedly tried and forgave him over the years. When my mother died, I tried again. He chose to cut his daughters off and marry my mother’s niece. He had been her uncle for 40 years…. I couldn’t accept that for many reasons. The biggest reason being my children. I won’t go into alot of detail but after marrying her he became a total stranger. In his death he was an even crueler human being than when he was alive. He has torn any shred of decency, empathy or feeling I still had for the man. Many times I wished he didn’t exist, but then the day came. I cried. I couldn’t understand why I would still care for such a hateful man but he was my father. At 48 years old, I found myself crying because I couldn’t understand why I still wanted his approval. I cried because he didn’t protect me. I cried because I wanted a father even after all the years of abuse. Even in his death, he couldn’t be a decent human being and acknowledge his own children. What a sorry excuse for a father. There only 2 things I am grateful for. 1- was the life he and my mother created. My life.
2- The day he found me left for dead and rushed me to the hospital saving my life by only minutes.
Those 2 things sometimes have been more of a curse than a blessing but I have perseviered and had many beautiful experiences in this life. I have always stated that I wouldn’t change a thing and I’ve lived through some shit. However, tonight I am recanting that statement.
If I could change anything in my life, it would be the past 5 days. I would change the way I have treated myself. I would give myself some credit for being the amazing, beautiful person I have become regardless of the journey I have had. I would allow myself to hold that grudge and hate against a man who was little more than a monster in my life. I would not have given in to his one last terrible play on my heart and very being. I try to see the good in all things and all people. I always believe in change, hope and love. The truth of the matter is, no matter what good I do in this world no matter how hard I fight for change and advocate for others, I will always be a hypocrite of sorts thanks to the monster that lived under my bed and is forever stuck in my head. This is as real as it gets. Keeping it real folks. Yet I still have faith and believe.
More love. Less hate. H