Today in therapy once again I discovered that I am exactly the same as so many of the people I help. I am co- dependent. I am not a typical enabler in many ways however, I am co-dependent when it comes to certain people in my life regardess of the consequences to myself.
Once again, nobody can help me but myself. I have to step out of the box and take care of business. It’s ironic that I have no problems doing that very thing with other people and situations in my life. There is however a specific group of people that I allow to drag me through the dirt. I allow this. I have to stop it. I need to regain control. How? I don’t know. I guess I am about to learn an important life lesson.
It’s my understanding that I need to work on my self esteem. Makes sense but easier said than done when I have already started regressing in some areas. I’m very aware of the things I am doing and think I can regain control. At least I hope so. I do know that I am worthy of being happy with who I am. That’s a start.
I also need to quit sacrificing my own personal being because of another. I need to learn that I don’t need approval or permission to be myself. I shouldn’t be missing the events in my life that are important to me. I shouldn’t be sitting at home because the other person has to work so there’s no time for life yet, they can keep me up until 3 am on their day off knowing my day starts at 6.
Along with these two things, I must learn to say I care, but that’s not my goal, it’s not what I want. It’s not my problem…. I am own intellegent being, with thoughts, feelings, a desire to live right now because it could all be over tomorrow! I have a right to be who I am! Dammit. I’m in there and I want out of this fucking trap. My God. How did I end up here?
I have won so many wars and been so strong in the past. For hell sake I have beat death, I have battled cancer not once, but twice. I held my life together when suddenly at 40, my husband unexpectedly dropped over dead, leaving me in a mess from hell with 6 kids expecting me to make things better. No job. No money in the bank. Debt I wasn’t aware of. A child from another woman I wasn’t aware of….and my first cancer. He wouldn’t talk about it, let alone support me in my struggle. He was lost in his own. I survived and handled all of things and so much more. Why the need for a mans approval? At any level? Anyone’s approval for that matter?
I have to learn that I don’t. I am responsible for change. I can be independent not co-dependent. I’m the one calling the shots. It’s about time I step out of my own damn box.
More love. Less hate. H