Our world is changing at a faster pace than we can keep up with. At the rate we are destroying ourselves, the future can look pretty bleak. However, there are some of us who fight and will continue to fight until we can no longer breathe for a bright, safe, free world. Yep. I am a rebel.
I advocate in many things. Suicide, anti bullying, domestic violence, father’s rights, the LGBT community etc. Anyone, anytime who is being mistreated I step up and speak out. If you don’t think one voice can make a difference or change think again.
Change is necessary and important. Everyone wants it but doesn’t take action. It all begins with one idea, one person. Once you start reaching out, you will be pleasantly surprised who pops up. I live on hope that the next day, we get a little further than where were today. I believe that education is key and change possible. I know that unconditionally loving others opens up doors we can’t even imagine. Given those words, let me tell you the story of my most recent incident.
June 6th 2017 a series of events started a downward spiral for me. Most of of the problem being words from others mouths. A few actions but mostly words. On June 7, the following day, another series of events took place that tore my whole inner soul apart. I was pissed as hell, lost like a puppy and hurt inside. The kind of hurt from being punched in the gut, beaten to the ground and repeatedly kicked in the head. Part of the day,I managed to be ok but then came the last straws…the first made me shut down the second was the bullet. I have lost most of the next 4 days, but I will NEVER forget the words and actions that put me in that fucking dark cold basement slowly filling up with water while I sat shackled in my mind drowning. The feeling of suffocating and inability to get free, pulling me down to the bottom and keeping me there. Finally, I resolved that in the world around me, I didn’t matter. My feelings, the anger, the hurt… I had enough. I wasn’t worthy of feeling important, needed or loved. The end of the my road was a fifty foot drop straight down. Didn’t care. Wasn’t afraid. I was at peace in my broken heart and tortured mind. The resolve I felt was one that had been absent for many years in my life. No more chaos, internal battling, no more pain, anger or hurt. Just total peace. I had given life my everything. I loved and served people my whole life regardless of the personal damage or loss, I loved and accepted people for everything they were, not what they weren’t. I believed in hope and change every fucking day because I knew we had it in us as a whole. I fought for the right of freedom to choose life not death. I fought to make others feel whole and important and loved…all of the while suffering and fighting to find all of those very things within myself.
I remember very clearly, standing up, telling my children I loved them. I lit a cigarette and very calmly told them I was over reacting and wrong. I apologized and excused myself and went to my room. I locked the door behind me and sat on the edge of the bed, listening to the children discussing and arguing amongst themselves about the events that had been occurring to which I confronted them about. Within 15 minutes, I heard the final words and ultimate decision then I heard the front door close…they walked away and left me there. After everything that had been said and done, they abandonded me. My heart and my head had enough.
I’m not blaming my children for my actions I am responsible for those and they are only children but children can be cruel and selfish and I had a house full of them who did to me everything I fought to protect them from. My marriage hadn’t been in a long time and I suffered alot at my own expense to allow things to remain as normal and in tact as possible for them. They need 2 parents to make them well rounded and responsible and to feel whole and loved. I did that for them and they walked away from me. Even as the adult in the picture, this was too much for my mind and soul to swallow.
It was time for my afternoon pills. I figured I would take them then take a nap and hopefully things would be better when I woke up. I took out the bottles of meds took out my dose then in the blink of an eye did the unthinkable… I asked out loud for forgiveness for being oh so human, I apologized for being such a failure and spoke to my kids telling them how hard I had fought for them, how important they are in this life and how much I love them. Then I swallowed a bottle of antidepressants and a then another. I had just filled them so there was 2 full perscriptions… I took all of them and layed down. I felt so at peace. I felt the being alone for all the right reasons so strong and finally felt as though I was whole in every way possible. The last thing I remember thinking about was a very special person who had made me want to live and be loved, who saw me as more than nothing. Someone who supported me and acknowledged me for the little bits I contribute to this life and didn’t care about my flaws. I was content in knowing that at least this one person was good with who I was. I didn’t have to be in love or even in a relationship, I just felt accepted and acknowledged for being a decent human being. That’s all I have ever wanted.
I woke up four days later in the behavioral unit… To be continued. ❤️
More Love. Less Hate. You are worth it. H