Picking up where I left off…
I was released on day 16. I had to be released to someone. I have nobody to care for me other than Jeff and my kids. I didn’t feel it was fair to ask the kids and it had to be an adult so Jeff was the only option. I was told for 2 weeks I wasn’t allowed to be alone at all.
My meds have to be locked in a safe and given to me. The keys to the safe are hidden from me. All of the sharp knives also hidden. After seeing my doctor and therapist their opinions would determine how long this had to go on. Unfortunately, I was told I had to stay here with all of the same rules for 90 days. I was agitated and frustrated about this call but it had to be.
The first time I saw my therapist it had only been 5 days since my release and it didn’t go well. I had to lay on the front lawn for 30 minutes before I could drive home. It was awful. I had hurt my family and so many others…. I knew that and it was eating me up inside.
It’s now been 2 weeks and 2 days since being released. I hate being in this state but here I am. Having such trauma and damage you can’t see is very tiring. Triggers set off easily, the guilt, the grey area, the noise and commotion of 10 people in the house..being so fragile.. I hate it. I hate it all but keeping it real, it’s who I am. Sometimes I have to hide away from my own kids. I hate that I have to do that but again, that’s my world right now. I have to face it.
I had a very surreal experience recently. Having PTSD, I tried to write it off but I can’t let it go. I finally asked how the whole event happened. Mistake and totally set me off however, in my experience I knew that someone was there with me. I asked if any of my EMT friends or police friends were there. The answer? None of them at the scene were people I interact with but I know someone was with me. I didn’t see anything but I felt so much peace. I knew I had familiar company and felt loved…it was undescribable and still is. I remember that so vividly… it’s amazing that I do given all of the trauma but I have held on to that incident.
Taking responsibility for my actions and holding myself accountable hasn’t been an issue. I am very hard on myself which causes a lot of problems for me at times. The realization of what I did is starting to hit home like a hurricane. I have MDD, anxiety and PTSD C. All of this can make my life a living hell. I have to find balance and closure to many things. This has left so much hurt and trauma in my heart and mind but I will eventually heal.
WE ARE NEVER ALONE. WE ARE IMPORTANT. WE ARE LOVED AND WE ARE WORTH IT! DON’T SUFFER ALONE. I AM HERE… I’M LISTENING.
Much love and respect. Please if you are struggling…listen to this. Say We Can Fly. Scars 💜