Well since I have put everything out there I will say this about my life.
I have been through some stuff. As much as I hate it, I am who am. I’m a mess sometimes but a beautiful mess. I have a heart of gold and it shows. I’m funny, full of life and adventurous. I love life and people. I just struggle inside my head. I don’t feel important. I feel broken sometimes. I don’t think I am loveable. I don’t place enough value on myself. I under estimate myself and although I know I am strong, I feel worthless and weak. I let the past and now dictate my happiness instead of taking control. I never used to be like this. I have become all of the negatives that people have told me during my life, including my family. I have decided to fight back to be that girl who can do anything and everything that is thrown at me. She’s in there dying to come back…. I’m worth it and I am the only one who can bring her back.
Those of you who are LDS will understand this particular part of my story. While in the hospital, I was really struggling and although I don’t remember much I very vividly remember the following incident. I saw four men pass my room who I thought were some missionaries. I was sitting alone and decided to ask for a blessing because I just couldn’t get things straight in my head. I asked the nurse to see if they would be willing to give me one on their way out. A little later they came to my room. I recognized the two that came in but wasn’t sure why. There were two other men that stood outside of my door. They each stood on either side of me. The first man knelt on the floor and I thought to myself please get off the dirty floor. He asked if I knew who he was and I told him very forwardly that I didn’t know his name but he looked familiar.
He told me his name was President Uchtdorf. Formally President of the quorum of the seventies but now held a different position in the church. He didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask but he asked me if I believed in God, he asked me a second time and my response was the same. Yes! Of course. Then he asked if I believed in the church. I told I was a member but not active. He didn’t ask why and I didn’t tell.
I was still struggling to match names with these faces but I couldn’t remember. He stood up and then gave me a blessing along with the other gentleman. During the blessing, he spoke of things that he had no knowledge of. He asked that I may peace in my mind and heart. He asked that my family and home would be free of chaos and that I would be able to focus on certain things and make good decisions. He also asked that I may know how much I am truly loved. He went on but right after asking for those things, I felt a peace I have not ever felt. I was at peace when I overdosed but this was even stronger.
After they left, it struck me that I knew these men from the church. I asked another patient if I could look at her church magazine. There they were. I believe the other to gentleman was President Eyring. They are the first and second counselors to President Monson the leader of the church What a privilege this had been. I am not sure why it was them that stumbled upon me but I am very grateful and thankful for them to taking the time to stop and do what I asked and needed at the time. That was the only night I slept all night my whole stay in the hospital.
Those of you who believe in God or a higher power let me tell you something, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that indeed there is someone watching over us. I don’t understand the struggles but I know in hindsight that everything happens for a reason. I can tell you that there is no reason physically for me to still be here however, I am. I had someone there with me that night. I don’t know who but someone was there. I couldn’t see or hear anything but someone was there who I trusted and felt comfortable with in my space. They stayed with me until help arrived and I was stable.
Somehow I know that I have a brighter future and that I am loveable and I do make a difference in this life. At some point I will be able to realize all that I need to be whole again. In the meantime, I will work to bring that girl back and to remember that I am a survivor even in the worst situations.
I am going to strive to get out of the hole I am in because I am worth it and I am a survivor not a victim. 💜
More love. Less hate. H