Good morning Sunday! I have not done one of these in a while but what’s on my mind this morning? Morning coffee thoughts.
As I sit here this morning going over the weeks events in my mind, I realized that I have been feeling very frustrated with some things. I’m all too human. While trying to muck through it all, it occurred to me that I am not very grateful sometimes. I mean really. I’m sitting here stewing to the brim over one of my children and their behavior. I have not once until now stopped to think that I asked for this. In fact in a way, I begged and bargained for it. How quickly and easily we forget the promises we make when we want something. As soon as we get it, the complaining begins. All of the new smell of our situation tossed aside and instead of being grateful, we moan and groan about the very thing we wanted so damn bad.
Take me for instance. From a very young age I was told that I would never bear children. After alot of soul searching, trial and disappointment I finally decided on adoption. During the stressful time and process, I became almost desperate in a sense. Once I finally decided that I could do this, I became obsessed. Every time I tried to process the situation once I got past the idea of taking someone else’s child from them, I would beat myself up with all of the reasons why I wouldn’t be a good parent. I had decided in my twisted little brain that I probably wasn’t supposed to be a mom because I didn’t deserve it. Wasn’t capable of loving the right way. After all I never felt loved and important so who was I to ask for such a lifelong task and commitment that I knew nothing about? I would torture myself and shoot myself down with all of the crap one can imagine.
After going through all the necessary crap to adopt, I became impatient. Selfish. Depressed that it would never happen. I remember getting down on my knees and promising my creator that if I could have just 1 child, I would spend the rest of my time giving back to others. All I wanted was 1 of my own. The same week we got everything processed and approved for LDS family services, I got a phone call from a woman who I had met on the internet. She had an adoption agency and wanted to know how serious we were about adopting. I told her very serious what the hell kind of question was that?! It had taken us 15 years to decide to do this. It wasn’t a fly by night thought. She asked me to fill out some paperwork and drop it in her mailbox. She thought she had a mother who would be a good fit with us but we had to have paperwork done to be considered. So I did it. I dropped it off on a Wednesday morning. Truthfully I didn’t even know why I was putting myself through this. We were going with an agency that was more reasonable in cost and we had completed all of their classes etc. Why would I even bother with this? I didn’t know. I just knew that my gut feeling was going with the expensive, unfinished, unprocessed way. Go figure right?
Two days later, Friday morning I got the phone call that were officially on the ” list” with LDS Family Services. I was ecstatic. I didn’t think we would ever get to this day. I couldn’t wait to tell my husband. When he called at lunch, I was so happy I was crying. I could barely get the words out. We were finally for real. I felt so much relief on one hand but on the other? I was already beating myself up. What a mess. After my conversation with hubby, I decided to do something to keep myself busy. For some reason, I decided to purchase a couple of items that I had seen on discount earlier in the week. I knew my husband would think that I was half nuts and going overboard but I did it anyway. Then the second call came.
At 2 o’clock that same Friday, I got a call from the private agency. I was simply asked, ” how would I like to become a mother on Monday?” I was at a loss for words. Then they dropped the bomb. This offer came with a couple of strings. First we only had until 5 o’clock to decide. Second they told me why. This was a mother who had some not so great history. She was positive for HIV. The odds we’re not in the babies favor. So the question posed was can you deal with a sick baby. A baby that may only live into his late teens, maybe early 20’s. The family that had committed to he and his mother had backed out and he was being born Monday morning without a family. I was simply stunned. I couldn’t say anything for a minute. My response was “it’s not how long we have him. It’s about the kind of life he has while he’s here.” Of course we would take him. Not even a question. Of course, I was told to consult with my husband and answer them before 5. I was in such shock, I called my mother to ask if this was emergency enough to call hubby at work. Then I asked her for the phone number. Lol.She laughed so hard at me. I made the call. The only words my husband said we’re ” it’s not about how long we have him. It’s about the kind of life he has while he’s here” then he hung up. Not another word. It suddenly hit me that I was going to be a mother on Monday morning. October 16, 2000 we became proud parents of a baby boy.
When our son turned one, keeping my promise to my creator we filled out paperwork to be foster parents. I promised I would spend all of my time giving back and I was grateful and happy to do so. On the days when I want to throw in towel and pull my hair out, I stop and remember that I asked for this. I begged and bargained for it, I did this. Even still, instead of being grateful I turn to the feel sorry for myself mode. After all, who in their right mind would EVER wish for 8 kids between 8 and 17? Six of which are not more than 10 months apart between them? You’d have to be a crazy person to even think this is a task you could pull off! Well admittedly I am that crazy person. I wouldn’t change it for a second. My kids are the most important people in my life.
Instead of stewing about things, I need to remember that I asked for this. My kids give me more than I will ever give them. I should be grateful for not just their amazing little souls but for all that they teach me and give to my heart. I was never supposed to have these things…. I have no right to complain. So after taking it down a notch and thinking about the week, I am going to take a breath, be grateful and thankful to my creator that I have the opportunity to go through this thing called life with the most amazing people on the planet. I am indeed blessed. Time to act like it.
More love. Less Hate. H ❤️