On this beautiful, new morning I find myself going through the weeks events and quietly exploring my thoughts and actions. I realize that I am feeling self absorbed in some ways and I don’t feel a bit bad about it.
I have spent a lifetime of trying to make others happy. Helping every person I can no matter the situation. Sometimes that weight carries over and begins to affect my life, which is a task of it’s own. At times, I have invited the outside chaos and allowed it to personally affect me and I had to learn how to balance that. I have had to learn that I can’t save the world no matter how much I want to. In all of my trying, I forgot to take care of myself. I have been lost for years and I didn’t realize it. I’m very hypocritical , duely noted. It’s time for change. I’m in control of that… time to take responsibility for loving myself enough. Nobody else is going to save me. That’s on me.
Over the past few weeks, I have started taking the reigns and doing something about it. I discovered that I have been living with a liar. A creep. A sorry excuse for a human being. I know that I allowed him to hurt me and that I justified it by staying so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else. I had no clue that I was literally doing just that. I stopped and thought about how I got here. Why didn’t I see? I felt physically sick. Disgusting. Like a sorry excuse for a human being. During that time, I also reminded myself that I am not responsible for another’s actions. Why should I pay the price? I don’t know why I allowed myself to go there, but I did. Not anymore. I am done.
I started reaching out for help. I finally gave in to the idea that it’s ok that I need help. I began doing self inventory. I started coaching my myself and telling myself that I have already given service to many. Having my turn isn’t a bad thing. I asked for public assistance. Got on the housing list. Looked for a place away from my biggest problem… began a safety plan. Figured out my plan of action. Got legal advice and discovered that even plan B was organized in my mind. I have put everything into motion. I also discovered that for some unforeseen reason, I have been living in fear.
I don’t understand why I am afraid, because I have been torn to below ground level for a long time. I have allowed it. There’s really nothing emotionally or mentally that could take me any lower. It’s become my normal. How sad I find that. I’m confused how someone who is so strong, would let this happen to her. In all of the things going on, I have found myself feeling guilty for being only focused on myself. Today, that stops. I have stopped several things and fallen back in to those same habits repeatedly. Not this time. Never again. I have finally figured out that I have to take care and love myself enough before everything else. My kids deserve it. I deserve it. I’m worth it.
Over the week, I found myself scared, excited, planning the future. I have not felt so alive in a very long time. I can breathe. I’m standing my ground. Not allowing guilt trips. Not justifying another’s actions or shitty behavior toward myself and others. It feels freeing. I feel alive. In control and in control of the issues around me and at hand. So, no more guilt. I will continue to love myself enough. Be own best advocate. Be selfish enough to take care of what’s most important. ME.
I hope that you will all do the same for yourself.
You are important, loved and enough. I love you ❤️
More Love. Less Hate. H