Random thoughts from within.
The world wakes up in spectacular color and radiates to those who see it as such. The morning sounds vibrate quietly through the air, only to heard by those who are listening. There’s so much to be heard in the silence…
As the world wakes up, there’s another new day defined. Everyday, a remarkable incident that happens only once in a lifetime. The day at hand. It has never existed before and will never exist again. Each taking it’s place in history. It’s up to us to chart the path. It’s up to us to find the beauty even on the ugliest of days. It’s up to us to choose to live and be happy. As we are ultimately the destiny maker in our own lives. Do we choose to take advantage or do we choose to let life and others dictate our happiness?
None of the above are new words from my mouth. However, I am experiencing things that make me question the above. I have been a firm believer in those words, yet I preach and don’t follow my own advice. I’m a hypocrite. I’m human. I’m damaged at every level. I’m also a survivor. A warrior. I fight against all that is used to make one feel less than. I’m hurt, yet I smile. I’m below rock bottom, yet I fight to keep others out while I struggle to get up. Emotionally, I am beyond spent, yet I try to lift others out of those same dark places. I’m hurt beyond broken, yet I try to bandage others wounds.
No matter where I am emotionally, I can see the light and beauty in all things. I believe in hope and love. I long for peace among all humans. I believe that most are genuinely good and well meaning. I believe in not being judgemental, believe that people can change and always give those around me benefit of the doubt. I am guilty of giving repeated chances, always hoping on a different outcome. All for others. Then there’s how I treat myself.
I have recently been handed the ugliest of ugly things in life. I feel lost and alone even though I know I am not. I beat myself up on a daily basis because I feel things are my own fault. Even though they aren’t. I let others victimize me, when they should be put into place. I’m allowing another to make my life a living hell, an emotional and psychological prison. None of these are things that I asked for. I didn’t cause them. Yet, I am taking responsibility for someone elses trash. I have allowed myself to reach out and trust others just to be shut down. Made to feel like I am the problem. I’m shutting down shop. No more trusting. No more believing that there is help and hope around the corner. I have my armor on and ready to fight for all yet, once it’s on, I cave in. I feel weak, stupid, unloveable and helpless. I have decided that I am indeed the problem and the answer to this, yet I get nowhere. Fast. Every day I get up and try again only to be shoved in my place. Funny, I can always find the answers for someone else. When it comes to myself, I am useless, lost and alone. When will it end? I’m not sure but it’s getting harder every day to believe in all of the good and the beauty in this life.
The color is becoming faded. The sound loud, chaotic and overbearing. The hope and belief are sliding farther from my reach with each passing moment. My love for humanity becoming jaded, untrusting. My vision of a beautiful life we’ve been handed has turned into a dark, ugly scene where happiness can’t live…yet somehow, at some time during each day, I still find myself back at the good. The beautiful. What a walking bipolar contradiction. What a ride this has been. Where will it take me? I don’t know this answer, what I do know is that until I am back internally to all that I preach, it’s alright to be a mess. Feel out of control. Feel lost and alone. Time will eventually heal everything. I have just got to hang on. Life is an amazing roller coaster ride that can make one sick to the stomach at times.
Some days I manage to fight back using only happiness as a weapon. Others, I allow the chains weigh me down. I’m never quite sure where I fit in. Not quite sure if the fight is worth it or if I am loved by those who I have fought to keep safe. Not sure that there is a means to an end. Not sure of a damn thing other than the fact that ugly is indeed real in this life.
I have learned that honesty won’t get you anything in some cases. Being the bigger person comes at a huge cost to oneself. I have learned that the victim and perpetrator are 1 until you prove yourself worthy of recognition. Even then, you still have to stand up and be treated like you are the bad guy until proven otherwise. I have learned that our system is beyond broken and as long as it’s their mistake you’re screwed. Live with the consequences. Just try to stand and be heard. Nobody cares. You aren’t their problem and until you are in a box 6 feet under, nobody wants to take responsibility or hear.
No human should ever tested in such ways. People shouldn’t have to prove they are the victim. Yet, it happens every day while we watch. If nothing else, when this is said and done, I will make a difference for the future. I scream from the mountain tops and fight for change every moment I breathe. Nobody should ever live at the hands and will of what others dictate. We live in the wealthiest most humane country in the world yet, we do nothing to help those in our own backyards. Shame on us. We have made ways of justifying anything and everything. We turn our heads and a blind eye to things we know are wrong or things we can help change. We are simply puppets being strung along with what society and our government dictates. We protect the guilty. Shame the victim and the poor. We Slam doors on things that make us uncomfortable while we bitch about change. I’m sick to death of this behavior. I refuse to be part of it anymore. I may be living some bipolar days, but once my storm passes, I will be a force to be reckoned with. That I promise.
Stand and be a force. Be the example. Step out of the damn box and fight for change. For yourself, your children. People in general. It’s about being better. Loving unconditionally. Seeing beauty and wanting to share it. Do something because it’s right. Fight because you can. Be a voice. Make change, one day at a time. Be a decent human. It’s not that hard. I promise.
More Love. Less Hate. ❤️ H