What is fear? I think there are many definitions to this word. In general, I believe that fear is the unknown. Fear is something that some have alot of while others fear nothing. Then there’s me. Let’s talk about that. What is fear?
I am a free spirited, outgoing, fun person. I don’t care what people think about me. I dress how I want. I talk like I want. I speak my mind. I am funny and love doing silly stuff. I love crowds of people. Farmers markets. Backward baseball caps. I wear Batman socks some days. Other days I wear Harley Quinn or Superman. I also have those very special Skelton flying the bird socks for really bitchy days. I’m a superhero. ( In my own mind )
I love people and life. Music and art. I love concerts, dancing and headbanging. Taking photos, painting, and writing are what I spend my time doing. I love dressing like I am twenty five and acting like I am 18. I love driving fast, with the windows down and the music up. I love motorcycles and leather. I also love dressing up and being treated like a lady. (After all, I do clean up pretty good.) There are many more “loves” I have in this life. What could I possibly fear?
I fear all of the above and then some. It may sound ridiculous but it’s true. I am going to talk some real shit here. My reality.
Some days, I can’t leave the house because I feel transparent, like everyone around me can see all of the crap I carry just eeking out of me.
I fear people. Like I am constantly being judged at some level. I have always felt “less than” I can never measure up. Not pretty enough, too fat and I refuse to follow trends that society says we should if we want to fit in.
I fear being loved. That part of me, has a hard time believing anymore. It’s a dead subject. I have been burned by those who were never supposed to hurt me. Thus, the reason I don’t trust.
I fear being myself. I don’t like the person I am, so I have no problem self harming or craving Alcohol. I also fear the pictures I see in my mind. I could reach out and do the act without thinking twice, regardless of what I am picturing.
I fear being tossed aside as I seem to be of no real value. I am just an empty body going through the motions..
I fear myself. I am indeed my own worst enemy and critic. I am not good at asking for help or forgiveness. Some days, I have a really hard heart. I am generous, thoughtful and compassionate to others, level headed, calm and down to earth as long as it doesn’t include being kind to myself or forgiving those that have helped created the pain I live. I fear I will never learn to do any of the above.
I fear that I will never be the person that is hiding inside. The person I lost over four years ago. I don’t know how to make her come back. There’s a song by Discrepancies called Not Alone. In the song it talks about ‘a ghost being jealous of every breath you take.” ( Nov. 2018 from the album The Awakening) That describes my reality perfectly. Not just mine, but many others as well.
I also fear that people fear me because of lack of understanding. I am not crazy, psychotic or menace to anyone but myself. I do fear those ugly thoughts telling me that the jig is up and I need to just end it all. The pain of living in constant pain is overwhelming and dark. I don’t know that I can ever change.
I fear the future or lack of…. whichever comes first. I have lost the ability to think that anyone would care enough to notice my absence. I fear life, people and hope. I keep hope on the front burner but at some point, that burner is going to die off only to leave me more alone and lost than I already feel. That is a sad thought because I thought that below the basement was the end. Apparently, there’s a lot deeper pit under there.
I take things one day at a time but in the end, who knows what tomorrow will look like for me. Standing strong, holding on to every minute. That’s my reality.
More Love. Less Hate. H
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