Autumn has arrived. The air is nippy out there. The mountains that surround or valley are full of brilliant yellows,oranges and reds. It’s quite breathtaking. The other day a friend and I drove up the canyon that we are fortunate enough to live by, a close 5 minute drive to the base. For the first time in a while, I felt calm and peaceful for just a few minutes. It was pure solace in a moment that was so dark. As I looked at my surroundings for that few minutes, I was able to see outside of the grey.
I felt a renewed hope somewhere in my mind that life is still beautiful. I felt as though I could believe there is a God who hears my internal battle and knows the fight I live every day. Something I have not held as close to my heart as I should. I’ve never quit believing in a higher power but I have surely pushed it away out of anger and sadness. The questions I have about the why’s and the how can I’s. I have felt like I have paid my dues 10 fold. Call me selfish but it’s true. How does one survive like this and still bring their share to the table? Yeah. I have fallen away because I am human. I feel lost and alone and I can’t comprehend why because I know that I am not alone but, for a few minutes Monday, I felt loved, peaceful and hopeful in my heart. A place that has been locked for a very long time.
The reason I am sharing this is because I know there are many others in this life that feel the same way. Our lives can change in an instant. At the drop of a hat. Monday, it was over for me. I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to go away and the chaos silenced. For the first time ever, I put some thought into the situation. I have always been very impulsive when it comes to my attempts but I was really planning this. Somehow, from the back of my mind, I reached out and simply said in a short text “I am not ok today.” For the first time ever, I asked for help in my darkest moment. For those who don’t struggle with mental health issues, this may sound ridiculous and you may think “well, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Are you stupid?” For me, it’s a huge accomplishment to ask before acting. I have never done that.
I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh, life’s been great since because the truth is, I am still not ok this week. What I will scream from the rooftops to my brothers and sisters who also struggle with these demons is the following;
On the darkest of days, when you just can’t go on, look for a little window, see that little bit of sunshine. Soak in the good for just one minute and then scream out, I am not ok! to those who care. Don’t worry what they will say, don’t worry about saving face. This one action can save your life. It did mine.
You are an incredible,important person in this life. A beautiful, amazing human. You matter. I know that we deserve happiness and peace in our hearts and minds. Just never give in or up. Reach out. People are listening and give a shit. I am. I care about you. I know your worth. I won’t give in and I hope that you won’t either.
More Love. Less Hate. H