Christmas 2019

Christmas started with me standing out in the stillness and black of the night while it rained on Christmas Eve. I love the smell of rain especially on a crisp winter evening. The moon was high in the sky, the streets and neighbors houses lit up with the beautiful colors of Christmas. The silence was soft on my heart, mind and soul. Not a soul around. No cars. Just the rain falling softly. I took every ounce in. I find solace in the quiet stolen moments that I do occasionally find.

In the morning everything will come to life. My favorite time of day. The stillness slowly turns into the day slowly waking up. The sunrise reminds me that once again I get to start a new day and do better than the day before. The children will be excited that Santa came. The noise will be through the roof. The sounds and smells of Christmas throughout the whole house will take me back to the days of being a little girl. The memories flood in and as quickly as they do, I push them out.

As the day goes on, I find myself bring grateful to my higher power for the good life we have. I’m surrounded by kids and chaos. My my heart is overwhelmed and I am full of gratitude for biological parents. They gave me the thing I couldn’t give myself. A family. I always keep the mothers in my heart and say thank you for their trust in me. I say thank you to my higher power for making sure my beautiful family got to me through an alternative route. I find myself beyond grateful that we have never gone without. There has always been a roof over our heads. Food on the table. Decent clothes on our backs and our bills paid. Health, happiness and love in our lives. Life is absolutely perfect.

This evening I have been surrounded by all that I have in this world that has any meaning. All but one of my children and my two grandchildren. A wonderful meal. Laughter fills the air. I got to hear my sons voice who I have not seen in over 7 months. He’s sober, happy and excited to live life. I didn’t think for a minute this would work for him and he’d be off to prison. Instead after 9 years, I have my child back. No worrying if he’s freezing under a bridge or laying on the side of the road dead. What more can I ask for? Not a damn thing.

As the day comes to an end, for the first time in a long time, I feel complete, with real peace in my heart. Genuinely happy instead of feeling lonely and alone even though I have been surrounded by people who are the most magnificent creatures that exist. After I finish cleaning up and everyone goes their own ways, I will once again sit here in a candlelit room with Bonamassa and Chris Issak playing on the system. Having a drink going to that place I miss so much at times. Beside the ocean, the smell of cigarettes and suntan oil. The warm breeze blowing. Only this time, I will be going there in my mind truly happy and content. Life is certainly a beautiful thing. I am not going to forfeit any of ever again.

Enjoy life and all of the beauty by which we are surrounded. We only get one.

More Love. Less Hate. H

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