I have several things ready to publish but today I seem to be stuck and feeling like I need to share this, so I hope it gets to whoever it needs to reach.
Today I am feeling like I am stuck in a place of disconnection. There’s nothing wrong that I can pinpoint. I feel like I am on the outside looking in because I don’t fit in anywhere. I am in a place of happiness, joy, sorrow, hurt and depression all at once. The best way to describe it is flat. Not really much emotion or feeling outwardly. Just existing.
Lately I have been on quite the high. Living every day to the fullest. Today was like falling flat on my face and staying there. It was also therapy morning so I had some time to try to work through this a little bit. I’m not sure I made any progress, but I was able to acknowledge a couple of things.
First and foremost I believe that a lot of my disconnection is fear and avoidance. I have been getting to a better place and that is terrifying. I’m happy, feeling better about myself and looking forward to each new day. It’s an awesome feeling but still unsettling in parts of me. I have become accustomed to living in chaos in every sense of the word. So now that I have been taking the wheel back, it’s like learning live all over again. Sound ridiculous? Yeah, but that’s exactly what it is. I feel like a high school kid at graduation wondering the big “what now?” question.
Part of my fear is failing and having to start again. I don’t have an actual problem with the concept. The problem lies deeper within myself. I am a perfectionist and a fail doesn’t represent opportunity to grow for me. Instead, I take it straight to the heart and rip myself to shreds over things I shouldn’t.
Another part of my fear is allowing emotion in and handling that emotion. It’s easier to put a wall. Im getting better at it but still have a long way to go. Case in point, today is the 1st anniversary of my friends death. She was my best friend on this earth. I miss her so much. At the same time I was glad she died because she wouldn’t suffer any longer. To finish things off then comes the guilt I serve myself because I lived and she didn’t. I really torture myself. I’m still cycling through cycles instead of breaking them.
Today, as much as I love people and want to be loved in return, I have no use for anyone. I’d be rather be alone in my misery and guilt hiding from everyone. That being said, I really don’t want to be alone. Kind of contradictory I know, but that’s how I roll. February 1st first is coming. Ugly anniversaries and negative reminders of myself and things in my past. I am aware that the day is almost here. Those things are in the past but sometimes I get angry because I still allow some of those things to distort and dictate my life.
Connection is the one thing we are all looking for. I can’t seem to find it. I don’t know what connection feels like today because I am afraid. I just want to feel love, learn to appreciate all that I am and be important enough. Tomorrow will be better.
Please know that if you are feeling similar, you’re not alone. We’re all a work in progress. Know that these be days are ok and do not make us unloveable. Tomorrow we will try again.
More Love. Less Hate. H