This is part of assignment, but thought I’d share. Sometimes finding the good takes work. It isn’t always easy but, it’s worth it. Good and bad can and do exist in the same space. ♥️
This day in 1987 I married my high school sweetheart after dating for two years. We were inseparable and had all of the answers to life. Our lives started out rough and ended rough but I wouldn’t change any of it. We have a beautiful family and had some good times in between the chaos.
Things were not perfect but we stood together and had a good a life. You taught me many things. I learned that I didn’t need anyone to take care of me. I could conquer the world on my own. If I wanted it, I did it. Remember when I bought our first house? You were so against it but I did it on my own. You taught me that regardless of what anyone thought, nothing was impossible. After all, we survived we each other. You taught me about insecurities and jealousy. I took my punishment like a champ and moved on for the next. I learned that priorities are different for everyone. Remember when you didn’t pay for my truck because you needed your side kick? Yeah. Still pissed about that. I also learned that I was fine with being me. I didn’t hide who I really was because I was ashamed. I stood my ground and was myself. Good, bad or ugly. There are so many years and memories…
You also taught me about unconditionally loving someone. You loved me even on my ugly days. Remember the whole prom incident? I was pissed and you were trying to surprise me. What a mess that was. Our wedding. Now, that was perfect. Parents giving me as much shit as humanly possible, families fighting, cops being called and broken wedding gifts. You screaming at me and me crying. When the fun was over we sat in Pizza Hut. In silence other than my crying. You apologized and told me things were going to be great together after all, nobody went jail so we were ahead of the game. Lol
Remember when you surprised me with that beautiful anniversary ring? I didn’t even realize mom was in on it. I vividly remember thinking you were going back to your “old habits” and was sure we were finally done. You asked me to go for a drive, instead of bad news, you gave me the most beautiful gift I had ever been given up to that time in my life. Everything stopped in that moment and for the first time in our journey together, I realized that we were indeed meant for each other. We had taken a beating and then some, but we survived it because we were a team. Dis-functional as hell but we always made it.
Well, things didn’t end on a good note. You were fighting your own demons and I was trying to take care of our family. You became selfish and thoughtless. You cut yourself off. I was tired. Tired of being alone, tired of fighting to be both parents and myself. Tired of worrying that I would find you dead. Tired of merely existing in the same house with someone who meant everything to me and I couldn’t help you.
We had a lot of good in our lives along with ugly and I have no regrets. I despise the things I found out about you after your death. It used to hurt that you couldn’t see what you were doing to me and the children. It doesn’t anymore because life is full of lessons and hurt, but we heal and move on.
The kids and I have a good life. Jeff has been a good dad and stepped up to help me when I had nobody else. He took responsibility for me so I could have as much as a normal life as possible. He didn’t have to, but he always has. He’s good man. The kids have had someone to be there and be a father figure to them since you have been gone. He’s been there for them through all of my problems, taught them to work hard and play hard. Taught them to be proud of who they are and been there when they have fallen and needed to be picked up. He’s the first to cheer to them on and the first to give them a kick in the butt when they need it, regardless of what’s going on in life. I have no regret or doubt that things have gone they way they were supposed to for the kids and I.
Our needs have been met and we have much more than many others. The family is expanding. Grandbaby #2 will be here very soon. The kids are healthy. Happy. They’re the most amazing humans on the planet. They are the one thing we did right.
As for me, I am getting better, stronger and finding my way. I’m starting to find that person who hid away for so long. The real me. The whole package. I’m learning to love myself and being good in my own skin. I am doing things that I want to do and that are important to me. I’m writing and painting. I’m living. Not just existing. I am also not living in past. Any of it. I am keeping all of the good and tossing out the trash. I have a lot of life to live and I am doing it, my way.
So yeah, on this day, I thank you for your part in my life and all that it helped me become. I thank you for my children and I am thankful that you finally found your peace and that I was part of your journey as well.
Life is good. H
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