Good morning Sunday!
Sitting here having coffee this morning going over the weeks events and I have decided that today, I am giving myself much deserved credit for the wins this week.
I hope you will share something in the comments positive about yourself after reading mine. ❤️
This week has been chaos as usual. It happens when you have so many bodies still at home, but I managed for the most part to just roll with it. I have been concerned about things with the kids, they’re my everything and as a mom it’s hard to see them trying to muck their way through this thing we call life. Being a kid is a hard job. Giving myself credit this week because I haven’t checked out or shut down that’s a huge win in itself. I have stayed present and level headed. I haven’t let myself go to the places that are dark or settled for those feelings of “well, at least I got dressed today. I’m not a total pile of crap.” I have found myself allowing my all too “humaness” without dismissing my worth.
I just celebrated for the first time in several years two weeks without suicidal thoughts. Score! I’m taking this one and I am singing from the rooftops. 14 days without once trying to wish myself to death. Unless you’ve experienced this, you have no idea what this feels like. Its undescribable, there are no words to express that event. Not going there is a really big deal.
Another big deal just happened. It’s been 3 years since my last hospitalization. I have Covid-19 to thank for that lol. I was supposed to check in and do a reset in November, but we got the virus and I was forced to keep it together and work it through and I did it. That’s when the first signs of treatment finally working started to manifest outwardly. It was hard, my brain didn’t want to go there, but I handled it without any help from professionals, no medication changes, no standing on a dresser throwing shit while yelling at people, no beng weined off of everything to live through weeks of torture and headaches so bad you want to beat your head into a wall. None of that. I did that. Nobody else did. I’m pretty damn proud of that and most won’t understand the significance – thank goodness. I wouldn’t wish it on any human. Even the ones with perma asshole syndrome.
I have spent the week being productive, thoughtful and present. I’ve worked through some things with my eyes open and survived. I’ve had to face going places internally that are painful, they carry alot of hurt, anger and shame. I didn’t let that trauma dictate normal life. I don’t know how long it’s been since I have been able to do that alone. I did it though. So today, I am owning that shit. With a sense of pride and humility that I have not had in a very long time. I’m so grateful for all of the small things in life because they’re so important.
Life is a wild roller coaster ride and I plan on coming in sliding sideways taking my place. We only get one. We can go through pretending and just existing or we can step up to the plate and play ball like it’s our last game every day. Today, I choose life and all that I bring to the table.
More Love. Less Hate. H